This is an outlet for me.

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I have started this blog to really just be able to put my feelings out there. Get everything that is stuck inside my head, out. Not just out, but into the public eye. Being on the Autism spectrum, I am choosing to do this as anonymously as I can because I don’t really want the actual direct attention. Part of me wants to but I don’t trust many people to be honest with me and I really don’t like people to know about my disability because then they treat me as if I am disabled. Then again, if I were to tell them, would they be more understanding about my quirks? Would they understand that some of the strange things I say and/or do are generally because of my disability and be more forgiving?

I would very much like to talk about stuff like this in a therapist’s office but due to daily time constraints and cost, even with insurance, I don’t have that ability. So this is to be my outlet. My one spot where I can put out my feelings, and maybe even get feedback from others, but not put my name or home location out there so as to feel a little more free to post things on my mind.

Being an adult female on the spectrum is an anomaly as it is. However from what I have read, it is more common than people think because girls are better at hiding it than boys are.

All the blog posts after this will pretty much be me unloading my brain about whatever it is that I am dealing with that day, week, moment, whatever. Maybe other women out there will find this and know they aren’t alone.

 

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Can’t stop watching Kodi Lee!

I just can’t stop. I am addicted. Not just because of his talent and his abilities, but because of what he represents and what he did 2 weeks ago for us all who are ASD. I have been indulging in each of his performances when I can on YouTube and they are like no other. I have a huge range for musical taste and the fact that Kodi touches on many genres and can play most anything is even better.

What Kodi did on AGT was something legendary and I truly believe Gabrielle Union was right. Kodi changed the world in those few minutes on stage. He changed it at a deeper level than I believe many who either ASD or NT even realize. His specific talent is definitely a bit more rare as he is only one of 25 people in the whole world who can do exactly what he does. But the talent in music and the arts is absolutely not rare and is more common in people with ASD.

I believe his impact may be because his ASD is more pronounced than many who possess similar musical talent that it makes a bigger statement. Many of those who have a fantastic musical talent and are ASD often are labeled eccentric and fans of the music have no idea. The artist themselves may not even know they are on the spectrum, but if they do, you can bet they do not tell anyone about it for similar reasons that many of us do not.

I have watched his AGT performance probably about 50 times now. I am not exaggerating. Each time, I get teary eyed and a couple times have ugly cried but not in sadness! These are tears of joy because like I said above, I believe this is a HUGE turning point for the world to realize that people with ASD are not broken, not victims, not people to be pitied. We are not your political football for vaccine arguments.

We are people too. We are NOT our disability and we do not want to be defined by it or treated very obviously different because of it. Many of us have spent a lifetime trying to adapt to the NT world and it is exhausting because of the NT world not flexing and adapting to us, as much as they like to virtue-signal about ‘diversity’. Really they only mean diversity of appearance. Not inter-personal. We have to hold up this face, a mask, because if we don’t, we are shunned, ignored, bullied, teased and discriminated against. That is our reality.  We all have talents and skills that are sometimes hidden because they also come with a price of truly being different so we hide it because it is not worth our emotional destruction.

This is why I am so excited about Kodi’s performance success. I am hoping that Kodi Lee’s public visibility will allow us ASD people to relax a little more, come out from behind our masks and actually be able to be ourselves naturally – and NT people will not react like they currently do. When this finally happens, the world will have leveled up on being flexible, accepting, and compassionate. At the same time we have to be very careful to not exploit this wonderful guy and let him have his days as he wishes, just as we would ourselves and each other.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go watch some more of Kodi’s YouTube channel performances and probably rewatch the AGT performance a few more times. And probably ugly cry at least half of them. Again.

Learning who I really am and letting ME out of the box and out from behind the mask that I have kept myself hidden with for 35+ years.

One of the things I have found happening after I started really researching more about Asperger’s and how it affects others, is that I am letting myself actually express my natural/instinctual reaction to things I don’t like or that frustrate me. Not everywhere or around anyone, mind you. Slowly, and in places and with people and at times I feel safe enough to do it.

I am still controlled internally but I am actually letting myself go a bit. Such as two days ago, I had a doctor appointment for an unrelated health concern that was in the middle of the day but not far from work so I took a long lunch to get it done. Except that I was told on the phone the parking situation was different than when I arrived there. That on top of the fact the building I was needing to go to (specialist building) was the farthest one away from the parking place for patients but the streets and the way it was designed is VERY confusing and all one-way streets. So combine that with me not knowing that area to begin with, made for a panic-inducing 10 minutes while i tried to figure out where I could park and where I could not, and still have to walk the equivalent of 3 blocks to the building I needed to get to. Then the interior of the buildings were not obviously labeled as to where I needed to go to get to the right area. The place was kind of like a hospital but not a full-scale one, mixed with a clinic setting.

I was thoroughly confused at every turn. Nothing is labeled obvious and directions are/were very vague. Normally I would get very enraged and angry in a situation like this. Instead, I let myself really feel how I actually felt… which was confusion and fear and the feeling of being lost and frustrated. I didn’t want to be late or even worse, miss my appointment. But horrible directions from the appointment setter and a very unfamiliar area for me that even GPS wasn’t actually correct on where to go, made me panic. It wasn’t like I could not reschedule but I absolutely did not want to do that.

My summer life is always crazy busy and I do not like having to interrupt my work days with doctors appointments (or anything not work related) if I can avoid it. Not because I have to take time off (I’m salary and my employer doesn’t track hours) but because it messes so bad with my set schedule I have for myself and it makes my day feel off. Plus the waiting again to get this taken care of is another thing I don’t like because the anticipation of it gives me anxiety almost as bad as being there.

So I really paid attention to what I was feeling and what my reaction and how I would normally deal with it. In the past, I would either have broken down in fear and/or gave up, going back to my vehicle and rescheduled. It is only the past decade or so that my fear and anxiety was turned into anger. The anger and the rage that I felt was going higher and higher with every confused step I took. I finally got to the part of the building I was supposed to be in, and checked in. The girl at the desk noticed I was distressed and asked if I was ok. Calmly, I said I was but that the way the parking lot and ramp, and the building layout is set up, it caused me to get confused and panic and felt fear of not being able to get to my appointment on time. She genuinely seemed concerned and apologized. I told her that it wasn’t her fault, she didn’t need to do that because it wasn’t like she designed the place. But I did tell her that the way it is set up is confusing for people like me. So I didn’t let my fear and confusion turn into anger like I have in the past! Yay! A success!

Looking at that particular change… it seems that might be from anger getting a more immediate, reactive response from whomever is in charge, and my concerns being taken seriously. This makes the most sense. An emotionally distressed and upset person gets attention, but often does not get anything but sympathy or meaningless talk from others. Most times that person nor their concerns are taken seriously because it is perceived as weak.

Now change that fear and confusion reaction to anger and you will get an entirely different response from others involved. Suddenly people pay attention and take your concerns seriously. I believe this is what happened with me. Most of my childhood and teen years with my anxiety, I was always not one to voice it unless it became too much and that often came out in the form of crying and tears and emotionally withdrawing and isolating myself. It wasn’t until later that I found my voice in things I disliked and often stood up for myself and voice my issues with something. I had found a new way to cope with my anxiety and while I was standing up for myself and ultimately getting the response I wanted, some days my anger borderlined on rage.

I look back at some of the most enraging moments in my life where I won’t even talk about them to anyone. It was almost always from being over-stimulated or overwhelmed in an area of my life and then something else going wrong, and that frustration and anxiety found an outlet. Sometimes even risking hurting others because some of my reactions were involuntary, like someone else took over me. It scared me a few times because I was aware of what was going on but I almost could not control it. I felt like I had puppet strings pulling me.

Now that I have found the info and resources that I have about my condition… I am learning to forgive myself for everything that I regret doing and saying back then. If only I had known then what I know now, my life would be drastically different. As would my childrens’. I am not saying I would give up my life now to go back to that. Not that at all. I just wouldn’t know any different because the life I have now would not have existed as I know it and I wouldn’t remember what I had never experienced. Does that make sense?

I don’t wish to return to my past life. I can’t. I am happy with my life as it is now. Life still has its’ challenges and things I have to work on and over come. I can only move forward and learn to live with the occasional thoughts of what might have been.

Officially diagnosed. Moving forward and looking back at the past.

This diagnosis process has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. While I had self-diagnosed a while ago, getting the actual clinically-confirmed results has given me a whole new level of how I look at myself, analyze my actions, and my self-esteem.

I have always viewed myself a certain way. That view has changed a bit over the years as I grew from a kid to adult. This diagnosis has more than just the results of the testing. It has really opened my eyes to problems I have had in the past -including the failure of my first marriage- and really made me look at how being undiagnosed and not knowing the deeper reasons why I did, said, and felt certain things and certain ways affected everything in my life. In both good and bad ways.

Most recently, I have really looked at why my first marriage failed and I had started feeling like I was becoming someone else over a period of time. The result I see as the outcome because hindsight is always 20/20… is that I was emotionally stressed from us having financial issues, and that emotional stress started to cause me to create a second “me”, similar to what would be described as a multiple personality disorder. I actually found a great YouTube video that was done by a man by the name of Dr. Tony Attwood. I first came across his videos a few months ago, just before I was set to undergo the formal testing. I was so taken in by how well he knows Asperger’s characteristics and traits, as well as his work in helping Aspies really make the best of their abilities and capabilities.

The video I am speaking of (opens in a new tab): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8WSNbtKSNo

When I saw this video, it really made me think about the person I was “becoming” back then. It was a coping mechanism to stress but because back then I had no idea that I was on the spectrum so there was no way for me to understand why I was feeling like that. Had I been aware of all this, my life would likely be drastically different. I might still be married to my first husband right now had I really understood myself back then. Back when I was married to my first husband, things started out fine. But after the birth of my second child, I was able to stay home as a parent. I was lucky. To help bring in a little more income, I chose to do some childcare for a few local children. Nothing too formal. But what I didn’t realize is the emotional low I was feeling inside, post-partum depression that I was ignoring, was also exacerbated by financial stress and feeling ‘trapped’. So, I started coping with it by making changes to myself because when feeling out of control, you find ways to feel in control. Then when those changes are recognized in a positive way, that reinforces the idea that making those changes and being someone ‘different’ is what needed to happen. Part of this also came from my not feeling like I could confide in my husband back then. He was not emotionally abusive or distant but when it came to money, he would react very negatively when I would tell him where we sat for the week the payperiod after paying bills. So after a while of dealing with that, I felt like could not be honest with him about the situation because he would kind of imply it was my fault. It really wasn’t, we were just a typical family struggling to make ends meet. It would naturally get better as time went on but still. I really do feel that our issues started when I felt I could not be honest with him and felt alone in our situation. Then he would be less than helpful with the kids when he got home from work every day so I was a 24-7 caregiver without a break. Then the only thing he wanted to do on weekends was go up to his parents’ cabin. Except that place is not really set up for small kids and there was very little for them to do. Yet he would go off with his dad and the others and go do their thing, while I was left with the kids, cooped up in a cabin not really set up for kids under age 4. With nothing for them to do or play outside either, nor much to do myself unless I wanted to socialize with my mother-in-law and her friends – which I was not fond of to star with. So I stopped wanting to go up there unless there was someone to watch our kids for a bit so I could get a break. Which meant he went up by himself more often and I stayed home with them. So top the financial stress with the emotional stress of PPD, and not getting a break from being a parent, with indirect positive reinforcement of the changes I made to my physical appearance and you have me creating a fantasy version of myself that was more desirable in every way… and that whole thing snowballed. Which caused more marital problems and without getting too much into detail that would give me away, my marriage ended. Essentially, I had a year-long meltdown, along with changes made in effort to try to escape. I made changes to myself and did things I am not proud of simply because my brain could no longer handle everything and the feeling of being trapped with no relief in sight had me lashing out in ways I don’t even want to speak of because I am so ashamed of them. Looking back, I wish I had been more assertive about my needs not being met and had asked for help with a therapist. Things would have been different. I definitely have a great life now but it has not been without struggles on a far different level, some of them much bigger. But those are a whole other post that I may or may not write. Simply because of the unique and specific details that could reveal my identity so I will have to think about how I will write it out, if I do.

 

Wow, has it been a long time. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Part 2

So I left off with the date I had the first appointment scheduled. The first appointment was really just ‘intake’ with asking me about all kinds of questions about my childhood and habits of daily routine, and other questions. Some were hard to answer, and others were easy. The hard ones were a bit more specific about things I did as a kid that a parent would more likely know. The problem is that I did not grow up being raised by my mom and dad. I was raised by another relative. I won’t go into any more detail than that since the unique situation I was in would make it easier to find my identity if someone was motivated.

The only other details that I will reveal is that the relative who raised me passed away quite a while ago, and truthfully, I don’t think anyone in my family knows me well enough to even give answers that are accurate. It hurts to say that out loud (or even type it). But I feel like it is true. There are so many examples I could mention but I won’t get into my own internal drama and angst like that.

The second and third appointments consisted of 2 hours of various tests in each appointment. The tests were both on a computer and physical like puzzles and block patterns, etc. I was actually amused by and enjoyed the colored block one where the doc asked me to look at a photo/drawing of a shape that had 2 colors, white and red, and laid out in various patterns. The blocks were half red and half white cubes, split diagonally. The shapes on the paper did not have lines that showed how to place the blocks to make the pattern. You had to figure that out. I actually liked the challenge! I have always liked challenges like that. Physical puzzles have always been intriguing and fun to me.

The final appointment was supposed to be my ‘results’ discussion. Except I got a phonecall from the testing center stating the doc wanted to do additional testing and clarify some of my answers from the computer tests, and the results appointment would have to be rescheduled. The place I went to has a long wait time for any appointment that is not an emergency.

I was so upset by this. Very upset. I had to wait nearly 3 months just for the first appointment and I made sure to schedule the others while I had them on the phone. Part of this is due to my schedule with work, my kids, and my other obligations. As soon as warm weather hits, it is harder to schedule anything because of various events and things that can only be done in dry, warm weather.

Yet I simply had no choice in needing to schedule yet another visit. I voiced my concerns about this and let the person on the other end know to relay this to the person doing my testing. Fast forward 4 weeks and I am sitting in the clinic office, discussing my results. Obviously I am on the spectrum. Based on everything I have researched and done myself, I knew I was. Just how far and the details of each testing point were the unknown until that day. Most of the results were no surprise. There are two exceptions. First was my IQ score. I didn’t know they were testing IQ at the same time. So this result was interesting to me. My score is/was 118. This puts me in the “high average” category, almost into the “very high” level.

Most people think of themselves as smart, and often think themselves as smarter than they really are. I have had a perception of myself that I thought I was smart but also looked at myself realistically and I never really felt true confidence in my intellect. I have often portrayed that, but it has always felt like a cover for my lack of social skills so I have never really known if I was truly smart, or just ‘talking out of my arse’, for lack of a better phrase.

Because my actual results are so fresh, I have yet to bring this information to my boss and HR since I want to set a meeting to talk to them both together at the same time. I hope to make this meeting happen within the next week or so. My issue I run into is that this is coming into some big travel times for trade shows and my boss is often at them so I may need to meet with HR separately first. It might actually be smart to do that, now that I think of it.

I’ll keep you posted on how that goes!

Wow, has it been a long time. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Part 1

Quite a lot. There have been several changes in my life that kind of took over and I really did not have much time or desire to write over the past 15 months. Now that my life has settled down somewhat, I feel I can do so again. So, to get it all in, this will be a multi-part series. Not sure how many parts… all depends on how much I write.

First, I successfully made a job change. It was certainly was not without a huge emotional struggle. But it needed to happen for my over-all sanity. I made the change because I truly felt that I was not going to go anywhere within the company I was working for. Part of that was/is due to the nature of that industry. It is very much rife with nepotism and is a ‘good ‘ol boy’ network type industry. If you are an outsider, you will have a hard time, regardless of your experience and knowledge background.

The emotional struggle was leaving the people I worked with and the products we sold are part of my own ‘focused interests’. I got my fix of a focused interest just by going to work daily! The emotional struggle with leaving the people I worked with was only with a few people that I felt comfortable with and really liked. People who I had come to regard as fairly close friends.

I also knew that if I allowed that to tie me to a job that was going nowhere, I didn’t deserve the success I truly wanted in my life. So I had to do the brave thing. I found a company listing a position that I fit well with. I applied, got an interview and was offered the job. It is a smaller company, but a single location one. Not a small location within a larger company such as with my last job.

I have a manager who actually cares about helping me grow my professional skills! Not only is she doing that but she is in every way supporting me with my ASD quirks and making sure I am comfortable. I did not disclose that I have ASD (self-diagnosed) at the interview and it was 6-8 months before I revealed it to her after a performance review that went well, but had some key notes that she made about some of my quirks. So I felt the need to explain it. Other than that, I had been hiding it from her and everyone else. Mostly because I felt like I had to learn my new coworkers in order to know if I could trust them to be the type to understand.

In my past jobs, I have been in fields that attracted people who are ‘misfits’. Likely because I didn’t have to mask myself so much and could be myself almost completely and everyone would accept it. Even as much as I struggled in my last job, the whole business itself has a level of attraction to misfits so the business itself succeeds in earning profit, despite being dysfunctional in many ways.

So moving into this brand new job, completely new working lifestyle, with people who are/were not misfits. As time went on, it was so much more glaring in difference how everyone else seems to be NT… and I am the weird one. Not just a weirdo in the mix of other weirdos so I definitely could tell I was going to start struggling. Especially when my manager pointed a few key Aspie traits (like eye contact) that were mentioned in my first official review, so that is when I decided to let her know.

Here is the caveat: Up until recently, I was never formally diagnosed. I was tested in the past but I ‘failed’ the tests, meaning I was not deemed on the spectrum, which was smaller than it is now. I was self-diagnosed for a long time due to the lack of ability to afford to officially get diagnosed. There are only a few mental health providers in the state I live in that diagnose adults, and most insurance won’t cover it. So I had taken several online-simulation tests that were recommended by several reliable sources. I was very much showing on the spectrum. Results were a bit varied with how far on the spectrum but every single one was definitely stating at least “Highly Likely”.

I told her that I wasn’t sure I needed an official diagnosis anyway, that it wouldn’t change anything for me. She was fine with whatever I decided and said she and our company would do what they could to support me either way. This unnerved me a bit. Was this true? Would they really, honestly support me in this? I mean, without an official diagnosis it is hard to back up any kind of mental health disability to protect myself. So even though I fully trust my manager and company (this company has wonderful, honest ethics), I decided to seek the official diagnosis. My first of 3 appointments for testing was done Feb 2019.

(Continued on Part 2)

Being an extrovert with Asperger’s can almost destroy a person from the inside out.

This is something that plagues me and my son. Not as much with me at this point due to my severe distrust for anyone to tell me the truth on anything (save for a few people, and even then, I never 100% trust anyone).

Because of that inner desire to be liked and accepted without being treated differently, we tend to want to trust anyone and everyone who pays attention to us in any way beyond general interaction. Anyone who takes an interest in us, a seemingly genuine one, we have a habit of almost latching onto that person. This is because their interest feeds right into our desires and we think “Finally, someone who is going to be nice to me without hurting me.” So we get comfortable. Often times, we get too comfortable, too quickly, and that can lead to being taken advantage of. This comes also from not being able to read those subtle flags of being treated badly until it is too late and we are humiliated.

My son, who is 14 and in 9th grade, has experienced this and earlier this year (still in 8th grade), he threatened suicide. He was openly mocked and humiliated by being actively excluded from a group doing something he wanted to be a part of. While he didn’t actually make any action on the suicide threat, he was so humiliated and so distraught over what those kids did, I was in tears with him. My heart hurts knowing he is feeling the pain I felt and I can’t prevent it. That is what kills me a little inside every time I think about it. They mocked him because HE IS DIFFERENT.

He is fine now yet those same kids — rather than being openly cruel, they ignore him. I know he prefers this over the openly negative treatment but it still makes things hard for him because he knows he has a disability and he knows he is different. He just wants to be accepted for who he is. He’s not a mean kid. Much like me, he just mimics what he sees other kids do, and thinks that is how kids his age should be to be liked. But, just like me, it doesn’t quite work, regardless of what that is. I try so hard to emphasize that being nice to people, even if they are not nice to you will leave you feeling better than any kind of retaliation will bring. But he’s 14 and emotional. He, like me at that age, doesn’t see that as a feasible thing.

One thing that I remember happened not long ago. My youngest son is in 6th grade (known as middle school here in the US) and was in the school play, “Little Shop of Horrors”. He was actually on the lighting crew and we promised to see the play and see how he did his job. So we decided to check out the play on the last night of the performance. So my husband and I, along with our 14yo, attended.

During the intermission, my son recognized a kid he knew from school. I don’t know if the kid was same age or younger. My son tried to get his attention and talk to him. I was standing there watching my son try to get this kid to even acknowledge him. This kid blatantly ignored my son. He was the only one there in the area and this kid refused to make eye contact, even at less than 4ft away.

I watched as my son got a look of discouragement but he seemed to press on. I debated during that moment to intervene and tell the kid ‘hey he’s trying to talk to you’ but I was torn between that and not wanting my son to become a target even more for having ‘mommy help him’. I still think I should have said something. If it happens again, I probably will.

I still wonder why, to this day, people cannot just be kind to each other. Why can’t they just see that someone who is hanging out alone, probably doesn’t want to be. But they don’t want to subject themselves to the potential of rejection and the feelings that accompany it. Or they don’t want to impose on people who, if they wanted them there, would have asked.

My emotions are strong on this. I have lived my whole life, just wanting to be included. To feel wanted, needed, liked. I have felt more rejection in my life than inclusion and it has made me become more introverted than I am extroverted. I used to be very extroverted. But life has a way of kicking that out of a person if the are rejected enough, and rejected for things they were not even aware were a problem for others. I see this repeating itself with my son. He is very outgoing and wants to be friends with everyone. He doesn’t understand why when he is trying to be friendly, he gets rejected or excluded. He knows he is different. He tries so hard, but ends up frustrated. As a result, i find that he is getting more and more reclusive in terms of socializing and doing things after school. He, like other kids, has started to prefer video games to hanging out with people. He was never like this. He liked video games before and always has, but ever since his incident earlier this year, he has reverted to video games before anything else. He used to love going and riding his bike all over, going to the park, etc. It breaks my heart and I find that I have to enforce restrictions on his video game time where I never used to.

Why can’t there be more people who are patient and understand that some people just don’t know and are not doing these things that offend others out of malice or ego? It is truly out of never being informed that this behavior is not good or does not help. Instead we get people who treat others with impatience and reject them, rather than seeking to fully understand others at a deeper level. To help others who may not have those in their lives to teach them.

But that is wishful-thinking. This current crop of humans is being trained that everything is about THEM. I am trying my hardest to teach my kids the opposite but it is hard to be the bigger influence than everything else going on in their lives.

Work life. Part 3

So this part is about work life in terms of employers and promotions, etc. This one is probably going to be the longest because of the nuances I may need to explain. There may be a 4th post on ‘work life’ but for now, this is it.

I will preface this that no employer is perfect, especially in communication of things between departments and employees. Mine is certainly no different so this may be more of that problem than anything to do with me but because I have no way of proving it other than to ask directly. Doing just that is something that terrifies me because if I am wrong, then I seem paranoid and it looks bad on me.

My job is not a terribly difficult one but it does require knowledge enough of an industry that is not super common in terms of job descriptions. I have to have some mechanical knowledge and the ability to think resourcefully. Our particular location is unique even within the industry because of the type of clientele we serve. If we were in a larger market area, there would likely be more than one person doing my job due to the volume. But our area is much smaller in terms of servicing. It is growing because of the products becoming a bit more available to more people, but still, I essentially am the only person doing my particular job within the 5 state area. The next location that would have a position for my exact job what I do now for the products we serve is about 400 miles away. I could do this same job for another company locally that sells the same product, just a different brand or manufacturer. However this position is not easy to come by, even with other brands.

That said, I also have a background in self-employment, as well as retail management and a few other industries that are different but the skills transfer to most other positions. At least in my opinion, and my husband’s, I have a very good diverse background that should show all kinds of experience in varied areas.

Yet, so far the few times I was told, and in one case promised, to have tasks added to my position/job description (as kind of a semi-promotion), or told that a certain task needed to be done but the details are not finalized, it never comes to fruition. The one occasion that something was promised, I was told I would get a raise in compensation and everything.

But then a little time went by, I waited to be told what needed to happen and when, and to be shown how to use certain databases/software systems that we use for this task. I asked about it periodically but I always got some non-committal answer. Then one day I was introduced to a new person whose title and job description was exactly that of what I was told I was going to be doing.

That hurt and that was like a kick in the gut to me. I almost quit that day as my instinctive reaction would have been. Had I not needed the income, I probably would have. I do know I started looking for other jobs elsewhere. I didn’t find much at the time so I let myself calm down and try to think about the situation rationally and let it play out. The industry I am in always has changes to positions and often we have to do multiple types of things, especially being a smaller location, often we double up on tasks to help keep overhead costs down. Other times it is just easier and less chaos to have one specific person doing the task.

Fast forward a year later and it seems that hiring someone vs having me do the task was the better choice. Now that we are increasing our client base, I am finding myself with more than enough work to get through. If I had this added task now, I think things would be overwhelming. Still, why wasn’t I just told this instead of being promised something, and then be introduced to the person who was going to be doing what I was waiting to do?

Then there are things like helping other people or being able to learn other positions that I don’t know whether I am being intentionally prevented from this or there really is no other opportunity to do so within my location. I can’t tell and yet I have expressed interest in helping with things like organizing the events we have and other tasks that are not related to my current position but I have a lot of experience in. In fact, my actual tech school degree is related to that. Yet they never actually take me up on it, other than a few minor tasks that they realize (a little late in the game) they need help with. I am willing to step up to the plate. But I never get that call.

So… that whole situation leads me to that emotionally beating myself up over something that I have no clear answer on. Do they think I cannot handle it? Have I shown in some way, the inability or the experience to handle it? I want to learn another position but all I get when I have expressed interest is lip service and what feels like lame excuses as to why they don’t want me in that position. This is my suspicious nature coming out because I have had people lie to me like this because they think they are sparing my feelings. So I suspect this out of everyone who gives me reasons that seem less than honest, even if those reasons are the real ones. Even with people who have never given me a reason to distrust them, I still do this.

Some may read this and think, damn, she is full of herself, she must not be as qualified as she thinks she is. Or, some may read this and think her employer isn’t a very good one, and if she isn’t happy, she should look elsewhere.

Believe me, I have already run both those scenarios in my head. And I beat myself up on it daily. Am I really not good enough? Do I have an over-inflated sense of ability? Is my personality wrong in their eyes? Why won’t they just give me a chance?

I am not really unhappy with where I am working and I can name more good over negative things. Especially with the flexibility of my schedule and ability to come and go as I decide. The benefits are good. Pay is… less than I could be making with my background. Despite my general apprehensiveness about socializing with my coworkers and what I described before in the previous post, my day-to-day working life with my coworkers is generally pleasant and I have nothing to complain about in that aspect. Almost all the things that bother me are mostly on the social level and the not being included or even told about certain things that would be nice to know about just to make sure I don’t embarrass myself over it. If I could give details about situations without giving away where I work and what I do, I would. It would make this easier to explain but then would entirely give away where I work and by process of elimination, you could probably figure out who I am specifically. I just don’t want to risk it.

Only recently I somewhat found out, in a roundabout way, that the lack of communication and things changing with no notice isn’t just in my head. One of my coworkers works directly with one of the decision-making managers(who also does some of the hiring and job role adjusting) One of the things she vented about last week was the issue of this manager’s lack of making a full decision and sticking with it because he changes his mind on things midway and then she ends with a bunch of half-finished tasks that she is waiting for him to make up his mind on, because she knows if she goes with what he says at the time, he will want something different by the time that one comes in or plays out and then it will be too late to make the change. So not everything going on within our place is in my head or unfounded paranoia about not being good enough, etc. But not fun to spend the last year or so feeling crappy about myself, even doing my best to improve my work habits and skills, etc only out of not knowing what else to do without looking for a different job.

I do apologize if some or all of I wrote above is not completely clear. If anyone has any questions for me, I certainly welcome them and will do my best to explain better on anything I write here or other posts.